Article by Capt. Mark Sampson
A Season Recap
So that bad news is that this is the last issue of the Coastal Fisherman for the 2024 season - bummer! But the good news for the four or five of you who have actually been following this column is that you won’t have to put up with my ramblings anymore - yay! And speaking of bad, this week I’m doing a recap of my summer ramblings by rewinding key paragraphs from a few of my columns. Just in case you didn’t get the “snark” the first time…
May 7, Do Fish Think?
Before reef building became a trendy way to get rid of our extra “stuff”, if something went to the bottom of the ocean it was an accident, a mistake, or an attempt by someone to ruin someone else's day by purposely sinking their boat or shooting down their aircraft. But these days there are so many objects that are purposely being sent to a watery grave that the local residents below must think (if they think at all) that the terrestrial beings (that’s us) have finally run out of places on land to store everything.
May 14, What We Know
So I've been wondering if maybe we're missing opportunities to catch certain types of fish in places we'd least expect them to be just because we've never fished for them there. For instance - "marlin in the bay". Who do you know has ever tried to catch a white or even a blue marlin in any of our back bay waters? I know what you're thinking, "Considering all the people who fish the bay each year, and all the boats that use the coastal bay waters "someone" would have caught or at least seen a marlin if there were any in the bay!" Well "yes" maybe by now some evidence of billfish in the bay could have or should have shown up. But let's face it, have you ever heard of a blue marlin crashing a Roy Rig or a white marlin snatching up a Gulp paddletail or a shiner that's being bounced along the bottom? Never! We all know that Marlin don't eat little things like that, that's why offshore anglers troll rigged ballyhoo, mullet, squid and other relatively big baits for them. So of course no one is going to catch a marlin in the bay, just like hooking a swordfish in the surf, everyone is using the wrong bait! It just stands to reason that if you want to catch a marlin in the bay you've got to fish for them properly.
May 28, The Donkey Farm
In their efforts to cultivate support for the windmill farms from fishermen, the (left-wing) donkeys have rightfully pointed out that each turbine island will act as an artificial reef and therefore be a good place to catch a fish or two. I'm just surprised that they've failed to mention the even better selling point for the farms that over time the footprints of the reefs created under each wind turbine might dramatically increase in size and relief on their own. In fact, given enough time the reefs could expand so much that the gaps between the 125 individual rubble piles could blend into one gigantic reef of such proportions that it rivals the size of Australia's Great Barrier Reef! Yeah, the way I see it, every time a fishing boat or huge merchant ship hits a turbine and sinks, the reef will get that much bigger and bigger and bigger until it's all just one big mass of stones, fiberglass, twisted metal, turbine blades, and sea bass!
June 11, Snakeheads Gone From Maryland Waters!
So just like that Maryland's “snakehead” problem is solved and we have a wonderful new species thriving in our waters known as the “Chesapeake channa” and to make sure they won't be accused of pulling the wool over the eyes of us dumb fishmen, the folks in Annapolis put out a statement about the exciting new change which stated, “The change is intended to make this tasty species a more loveable fish to diners and perhaps more appealing to consumers when it’s sold in seafood retailers and restaurants”. So fishermen may have lost their snakeheads but they've gained a “lovable” fish and I'm sure that all the downhome-good-old-boys who have been toughing it out by mucking their way through the rivers and marshes to hook a snakehead or two will be the first to admit that the cute little name of “chana” is a much better way to describe this tough, aggressive fish that very closely resembles the head of a snake and eats baby ducks, frogs, fish, and about anything else it wants.
June 18, What's in a Name?
The current trend of changing animal names for the sake of “political correctness” got me thinking about the biology of black sea bass and wondering if maybe their name might soon end up on someone's political chopping block. After all, In biological terms, black sea bass are known as "protogynous hermaphrodites", in that the majority of them begin life as females and eventually change to males. Imagine that, no surgery, no mental turmoil, no life changing decisions to be made, no controversy, just a strange physical transition from one sex to the next. So that's the way it is for black sea bass, but with this in mind I can only imagine that sooner or later there could be some folks who take exception to sharing descriptive terms with a hermaphrodite fish! In the same respect, there's another segment of our population that does indeed share some commonalities with a creature that goes from one sex to another. As I've not been able to keep up with, let alone memorize all the letters of the alphabet now used to describe these fine folks, I typically think of them as the “Alphabet people". So with all this in mind I'm wondering if perhaps instead of running the risk of insulting anyone by continuing to call the aforementioned fish “a black sea bass” maybe the critter should be renamed “ABC bass” which would work to take any perceived reference away from one group while giving another group a little acknowledgment. And since “ABC Bass” doesn't sound dramatically different from the original name of “a black sea bass”, even the fish themselves shouldn't be troubled with the name change, in fact they might not even know. Brilliant, don't you think!?
July 16, Just how bad can it get?
Anyone who knows anything about boats is aware that at any time, and even on the best of days, the unexpected can happen. Like when you get up early in the morning, hop into your container ship for a simple cruise down the Chesapeake Bay, and end up knocking down a major highway bridge. Or when someone flips you the keys to their brand new cruise ship for a jaunt to New York City but you bump into an iceberg along the way and find yourself treading in ice water. When you have a boat things like that just happen, and as much fun as it sometimes is to chuckle at the follies of someone else, every boater knows that we’re all just one zig or zag in the wrong direction from our own calamity on the water.
July 30, One Stupid Sharker
Of course the meat wasn't all we harvested from our slaughter that day as each unfortunate victim had a set of dentures we wanted to hang on our apartment walls. Since I had yet to learn the proper method for cleaning and preserving shark jaws, I took the advice of the first fool willing to talk to me and boiled the jaws in a big pot of Drano drain cleaner! And the only reason I'm alive to tell this story is because I at least had the smarts to boil the jaws on a grill out on the beach and not in the kitchen where I'm certain the fumes would have pitted all the metal appliances and melted the paint from the walls.
August 6, How To Cheat in a Tournament
Considering the the recent trend of biological men competing in women's sports and the recent popularity of ladies fishing tournaments, there's no reason why a bunch of dudes couldn't throw a keg of Bud Light on their boat and tap into their feminine side long enough to catch a few fish and beat the heck out of all the (real) women who think they're privileged just because they were born that way. And while we're on the subject, how about all those women's world records? The International Game Fish Association recognizes records for both men AND women. Guys - wouldn't you be proud to have hanging on your office wall an IGFA certificate saying that the heaviest bluegill ever landed on 6-pound test by a woman was caught by you?
August 13, Fame and Fortune
At our tournament I was the guy with the microphone and definitely caught grief more than once for not giving credit where someone thought credit was due. The first time was by a fellow who was absolutely livid as he complained to me after our award presentation. According to him I gave too much recognition to the angler who caught the winning fish and not enough to himself who was a part of the crew and helped rig the baits and run the boat. The sad thing about his complaint was that the angler was his very own 12-years old son.
August 20, Hungry Sharks
Apparently too many sharks are creating way too many problems on this side of the Atlantic. At the same time we have way too many aliens fording the Rio Grande river and causing way too much havoc on this side of the border. So I'm thinking that the two problems could be taken care of at the same time if we were to simply round-up all the troublemaking sharks and “deport” them to the Rio Grande river. That would make a huge dent in the amount of shark depredation going on in the ocean and at the same time the sight of so many fins and tails patrolling back and forth across the river will likely give the invading force of illegals a reason to pause and think twice before taking the plunge and making the crossing. Who needs a wall when you have thousands of hungry sharks “depredating” for you…
August 27, How To Save Fuel
A nice thing about folks with boats is that they’re always willing to help a fellow boater in trouble. Anglers can use this good nature to their advantage by allowing strangers to tow them to-and-from the fishing grounds. To start their trip anglers need only push their boat away from the dock and wait. It helps to take the cowling off the outboard because nothing says HELP like exposed cylinders! In areas where there might be some uncertainty as to the generosity of others it can’t hurt to also have a couple young kids aboard, everybody stops for kids! When a good-Samaritan pulls up and asks if they can lend a hand the shrewd angler should respond by pointing off to the direction they want to fish and say “yea if you could just tow me over there I’ve got some friends who will come along and take me the rest of the way.” Once the towboat departs the fishermen can pull their rods out and get to business. When it’s time to go home a simple lift of the cowling should attract another free ride in no time.
So there you have it - this column has finally run its course. Still, the 2024 fishing season is far from over, so don't put your boats or rods away yet or you might miss a golden opportunity to catch a few more fish and do something worthy of a good snarking! §
